COMPUTERS,CHEWING GUM AND HELLS ANGELS

Aside

chewing gum

FB status update. 01/06/2014:

“Laptop has finally died from terminal illness. Am unable to get over the hill to spend what could feed a small african village for a year on a new one. My “smart” phone provides fractured 3rd rate internet at best ( the 2nd time i’ve posted this status as the last one disappeared into the interwebs somewhere) . I am living the pinnacle of 1st world problems. If there is no soy milk for my double decaf soy chai orange mocha frappacinno latte today… I’m gonna feckin kill myself!!”
A few things. “THE HILL” is what separates my small isolated town from the rest of the world. It is roughly 25km of long winding road, peaking at approx 791 mtrs at its highest point. The closest ‘City’ is about a 104km /1.75 hour drive from where I live.
It would be a month before I would have a window of time to get over “the hill” to get my technology situation sorted.
I don’t ACTUALLY drink  double decaf soy chai orange mocha frappacinno lattes. That’s just silliness.They are revolting!
As it turns out, on this very day my Tahi had a playdate organised for 1pm. At 12.40pm his wee friend called in sick. Being that Tahi does not often get playdates due to having  limited social skills, he was gutted. As was I, for him. However… this  led me to the thought that perhaps now was the time to seize the day. Carpe diem so to speak. I immediately rung the electronics store in the city over ‘the hill’ and spoke  to a lovely sounding chap called Jack.He informed me they closed at 5pm. BOOM!!!  It was on. I rallied Tahi, Rua and Toru and packed them away in the car. We were off to get some new computer thingees and get out of our wee town for an afternoon.
We would also see my Gentleman friend who is living over ‘the hill’.A  lovely chap whom I will hereby refer to as “Fatty Ding Dong’.Mostly cos it’s  funny. Having dated for some months he has only recently met my offspring. They were very charming indeed and gave him no indication that in fact we are all rather mental and louder and more full on than a Metallica concert on a 5 day meth bender. He even came back. WIN. He is a little bit into geekery  and since my laptop had died had been doing some investigations into what type of computer would best suit my needs. I rung him to let him know the circus was coming over the hill to by computery things sooner than anticipated and that I didn’t need him to come to the shop cos I’m a big girl and can buy computery thingees all by myself and I  would call him after the trip to the electronics store and we could go and let the kids out  for a run at a park whilst we throw balls for them ,drink coffee and pick up their little kiddie doos in wee plastic bags or some such yolk. That suited Fatty Ding Dong just fine.Off we went on our big city adventure.
Now my boys LOVE chewing gum. Especially Rua. He will ask for that and ONLY that for christmas, birthdays etc.That is pretty much the only time they will get it too. However, if it is in my bag, Rua on several occasions has been known to steal it and go and hide under his bed chewing it ALL,leaving a trail of chewing gum wrappers to the crime scene.  He will offer some to his brothers in exchange for their silence. Sadly for him…his open love for gum  is his teller.  Going shopping anywhere with an 8 yr old ADHD kid , a 5 yr old and 3.5 year old who could easily represent New Zealand in a contest of “Epic Tantrums of the World’ , is not an easy task. Let alone  having to go to a store where you must actually listen to the sales person for 30 mins and not have your rampant offspring break expensive electronics. Clearly chewing gum bribery was in order. I stopped at the petrol station and grabbed 3 packs of chewing gum. I explained to my boys that the chewing gum was theirs ,IF they could follow 3 simple rules. 1.Don’t touch anything
2. Don’t fight with each other
3. No yelling and screaming.
3 strikes…and no chewing gum.
For those of you that don’t have small children this sounds reasonable and easy enough. For those of you that DO have small children…I know you are, at this very moment, laughing hysterically  at my hopeful naivety. Thank you. The boys understood what was expected of them and agreed to the terms and conditions of the chewing gum contract. We were all in good spirits. We arrived at the electronic store at about the same time Tahi’s ADHD meds were due to start wearing off. He was doing great and I knew time was limited. I beelined for the counter and asked for Jack who was just finishing up with another customer. Jack was a slight man of about 21. He looked like he might be someone who might spend a bit of time in his room , at his parents house, playing computer games with people on the other side of the world. He struck me as a man who had perhaps just been dumped, had his car fail it’s warrant of fitness and lost his BFF cos he ran off with his girlfriend all in one week. To top it all off, he looked to have had a hard day in the shop and just couldn’t wait to get himself home and into the womb of his meticulously built imaginary world of war games. And then along came us. Lucky lucky man.
To be fair it all started very well. My children all skipped into the shop holding hands with their   neatly combed blond  hair. Their white little trousers matching their white little shirts, offset by their wee blue suspenders. Their shiny little leather boots glistened in the afternoon sun as they stood quietly behind their relaxed mother. Each dreaming of the chewing gum bliss that was only a few sweet  moments away. If only Jack would hurry up. My three blue/green-eyed angels skipped happily over to the cordless mouse section as I finally engaged the  frazzled Jack. ” Hi Jack. I need some computery stuff and a tablet. Lets do this!”  Jack was more than happy to oblige and was clearly optimistic and excited to make a good sale. Lucky lucky man.
It was on our way to the laptop section of the electronic shop that I noticed that the angelic Toru had taken it upon himself to grab one of the cordless mouse things and start shaking it. As any good relaxed mother who had made her offspring sign a chewing gum contract  in their own blood would, I reminded Toru of the  chewing gum contract and lightly let  him know that he had made his first strike.  At this very moment something strange happened. 2 little horns instantly grew from his little blonde head. His white shirt turned into sleeves of demonic tattoos and his  light angelic voice dropped about 3 octaves. He responded with  “NO! I WANT TO TOUCH EVERYTHING!!!” and promptly proceeded to do so with intense fervour. In doing this he seemed to suck away any remaining effects of medication that may have been holding Tahi together . Just like blowing up a balloon and then letting it go to see it noisily and uncontrollably dart around a room,….Tahi LOST.HIS.SHIZZLE. He started jumping excitedly up and down in one spot and laughing like a complete mad man. I quickly  stepped into carnage deflection mother mode. I gave Toru a mouse and told him he had a very important job to do. He was to hold on to this mouse and make sure he did not lose it because we were going to buy it for our new computer. He was happy with this arrangement. I told Tahi he was to follow me to the laptop section and stay close to me at all times. We got there and Jack started telling me all about all the different laptops. ” blah blah ram yadda yadda terrabytes blah graphic stick yadda yadda blah blah”
 ” Hmm yes Jack. Just a minute Jack. Toru! put that down please. Tahi, please dont wedgie your little brother! Sorry Jack..you were saying..?”
” Geekery geekery better performance yadda yadda n’ stuff” .
“Sorry, excuse me Jack. Toru do not put your tongue in that! Tahi! Stop telling your brother to put his tongue in that and give him back the mouse. NOW! I said NOW!!!!!. Thank you.”
At this point I was smart enough to see where this was all going.So I took it to the next level of Super Nanny parenting. I instructed Tahi  to come and have some time out. He was to sit in the corner next to the laptop section so as to avoid  having him wind up his brothers. As he loudly made his feelings about this arrangement known to all and sundry  I noticed Rua mooching around the shop. Just looking. Not touching. Through all of Tahi’s protests he obediently made his way to the new  time out spot and sat down. Now  I was able to slim my options down to 2 computers. Progress. Then it happened. Toru discovered that if he went through the little white gate by the door with the mouse in his hand it made a very loud and entertaining beeping noise. Wohoo for him! Back and forth and back and forth. “Excuse me Jack. Toru. You mustn’t do that!” to which he replied in his deep demon voice “I WANT TO!!” “Right Toru. That’s 3 strikes buddy. No chewing gum for you” Wrong answer Mum. He looked at me and replied innocently “But I want chewing gum”  Though what he was ACTUALLY saying was  ” I couldn’t care less about your chewing gum lady. Your grey hair, dark bags under your eyes and recent plague of wrinkles gives me more joy than any of your pathetic chewing gum ever could. Sucker!” It was that this very moment something beautiful happened. Like a knight in shining armour, Fatty Ding Dong strolled casually through the door. His unshaved face and unkempt hair from a day in his workshop was  like a ray of sunshine on  a rainy day. Immediately butterflies started smashing into each other on my insides as they tried to escape and flutter towards the sunlight. In my joy I turned towards Tahi “Hey look” I said “Fatty Ding DOng is here”  Instantly the butterflies dropped dead.  Tahi had managed get himslef to lying on his back with his knees up around his ears. He was slightly rocking whilst slapping himself on his bum and occasionally trying to poke his finger in his jean clad orifice. He was making a noise that I could only think was fluent Gorilla speak.He was also dribbling like a drunk on ketamine. He was having a ball. My body filled with a sense of dread and hopelessness. Fatty Ding Dong was surely gonna run a mile when he got a load of us in full swing. Nevertheless I put on my brave face and smiled a happy smile. In actual fact I prayed that the ground would open up and swallow us all and Fatty Ding Dong would never know what a circus uncontrolled fruit loops he had stumbled upon. I continued to chat with Jack about general Geekery whilst the offspring fawned over Fatty Ding Dong and tried to impress him with their butt jokes and songs of poo. He  offered to take them for a walk so I could get on with it. I scoffed at him and over casually said ” Dude. Yeah nah , it’s cool. . This is nothing. Really. No big deal. Just a casual shopping trip.I got this. And even if I wanted you to I wouldn’t tell you cos I need you to think I’m superwoman.  How about you talk to Jack here and let me know which one of these 2 computers you think is the way to go”. He obliged. Meanwhile I set about putting order back into my spawn. I sent Tahi to sit out by the doors of the shop. I needed to make sure that him and Toru were separated as the two  of them seem feed eachothers madness. I ignored him rolling around in front of the door and the customers that had to step over his writhing body as they entered the shop sharing a knowingly amused and encouriaging smile with me. I passed Rua  as he sat and watched large TV that was showing car racing.I picked up the 20kg’s of Toru and started looking at tablets. Jack soon joined us and we started talking tablets. Turns out that was hard work. Toru wriggled whilst I tried to find a tablet that would work for our family. Sadly no cast iron ones. I eventually put Toru down and he started darting around the shop. Tahi kept calling him over to the doors. In and out he would run and I would pick out tablets only for Jack to find they had none left in stock. Poor Jack looked like he was about to cry. Eventually I just told him that “Whatever  would do. I just want to get the hell out of here”. He obliged. With laptops, tablets,a mouse, a new phone and god knows what else we  finally got to the counter. Toru  started running around outside and Tahi started threatening to sit on the road cos obviously I didn’t care about him and I was the meanest mother in the world. I couldn’t see Rua anymore. I called out across the shop to Fatty Ding Dong to see if he could sight him. All good. They were hanging out. I went outside , grabbed Toru and threw him over my shoulder. He kicked and screamed in his demonic voice and demanded I put him down whilst Tahi begged for us to go now. Were we finished yet? Would he get his chewing gum? Why can’t he have his chewing gum?  Poor Jack looked like he was about to cry. Clearly it had all been a bit much for him too. Eventually the deal was done. The bags were full of goodies and it was time for me and my  circus of little angels from hell to leave the shop.As I turned to leave I saw little Rua standing quietly behind me. He looked at me with his big blue eyes and spoke directly to me for the first time in this whole experience  “Mama are we finished now?”
” Yup Rua. We sure are”
“Mama..?”
” Yes Rua. What’s up?”
” Umm…May I please have my chewing gum now? “

FLY MY PRETTIES. FLY!!!

Recently , in my recent recentcy, I had to discipline ,Rua, my 4-year-old son, for repeatedly hitting his little brother over the head with his new clutch purse. What’s that, you say?. Discipline?! Yes, I know, I know. Call me old-fashioned. But I like a  bit of child discipline when called for. However , that is a whole other story. No, good people……….. the focus here is on 2 words. Clutch and Purse.  Two words that in their own right, are rather harmless. That perhaps conjure up images  a young man   ‘clutching’ to life by hacking his own arm off to free himself from a boulder. Or maybe a cats bottom. Like a set of very ‘pursed’ lips. You might like to take a moment to conjure up some images of your own.  However, put these two words together and into the hands of a four-year  old boy, you have a weapon of mass destruction and apparently a spot of controversy.

The aforementioned clutch purse was originally a birthday gift from the artist formerly known as my Mother in Law. It had its time and over the years I realised it’s time was no longer.Whilst putting it in my charity bag , young Rua intercepted it and claimed it as his own. I could see no reason to hold the clutch purse back from  the dear, blue-eyed  child.Quickly he proceeded to  fill it full of matchbox cars and other such lark and carry it around with him. Everywhere he went….the clutch purse went. Until eventually the power of the Clutch Purse went to his head. He started  hitting his brother with it. Repeatedly. I had to confiscate the Clutch  Purse and put it in the hallway cupboard along with  the many more previously confiscated toys. Of all of those toys , it is the Clutch Purse that Rua missed the most. After 2 weeks of nagging it was returned to the child. When I returned it to him, he did an excited we giggle and an Irish jig. I have yet to see if he has learnt his lesson and manage to refrain himself from beating up his brother with his purse.

But here’s the thing.  Apparently it’s not normal for a little boy to have a clutch purse! Word on the redneck street is…it’s not normal at all. My folks split when I was a baby and my Ma raised me from then on.  I was bought up as an only child, only to meet my half siblings in my 20’s.So my only real concept of family was me and my Ma. Mother and Daughter. Chalk and Cheese. The point being ..That as far as me raising 3 boys….it is most certainly a case of the blind leading the blind.

I remember years ago , my eldest boy Tahi, was rather attached to a doll.  At the time I was still very much with his Father, who is a very involved Dad. He would pretend do put Dolly to bed, feed Dolly, change Dolly and all the things his father did with him. On a trip to the supermarket with Tahi, I had him in the trolley whilst he held on to Dolly.  A man walked past, did a double take and then said with complete disgust in his voice “Is that a doll??!! You’ll make him gay!!” In that moment my heart broke. For that mans children. How awful it would be to be raised by such ignorance. It dawned on me that if Tahi was to have carried a Teddy bear around with him, that man would not have thought twice. But that the toy of Tahi’s affection was a Doll, surely meant he was Gay. Never mind that my son was learning how to be a caring and nurturing man. To be a person that showed tenderness and compassion to other human beings. This was all beside the point. Clearly he was going to grow up to be a “Poof”.
Well have I got news for you Supermarket Redneck Man and other such  folk. If being a caring, loving human being means you’re gay, then bring that shizzle on!!!

As a little girl, two of my favourite people were a gay couple that Mum knew. Called Tom and Jerry. They were kind and funny and loved me to bits. I felt safe with them. Loved. I guess, like a little girl is supposed to feel with her Dad. I still feel that way around most Gay men. Especially Burt and Ernie. But those two are a whole other story. Where was I…..? Oh.  I was always so excited to go and see Tom and Jerry. Funnily enough they even had ‘The Wizard of Oz’ on video. And I can tell you now , I watched that movie 17 million times. If I had have been a character in that movie, I would have been The Wicked Witch of the West. I would not have had an army of flying monkeys though. I would have had  designer chap wearing flying homosexuals with fabulous hair and an insatiable appetite for Mojitos.  “Fly my pretties” I would screech from my tastefully decorated castle. “Fly!!!”

I think it’s safe to say that if anything, my poor boys would only be scared to tell me they’re gay, because they know it would send me into an excited Mother of the gay frenzy. No doubt I’d immediately take up knitting, so I could knit them some lovely Angora  hot-pants and matching vests for the winter months  . At Gay Pride Parade I’d be dragging them up onto the biggest loudest float ,making him wear a mother and son, his and hers rainbow PVC outfit, holding a sign that says ” My boy is Gay!! Thank you baby Jesus”.    Whilst watching Dirty Dancing ,  together we would yell “NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER” at the TV screen whilst Johnny Castle works his magic on Baby’s Daddy ( see what I did there? Baby’s Daddy…BabyDaddy. So freakin’ clever!) We would shop together. Ohhh how we would shop. None of this grumpily sitting in a corner reading a car magazine waiting desperately for his mother to realise she is far to old and fat to be wearing anything other than a Mu-Mu. He would lather me in complimentary compliments and contribute to the mountain of try-ons in my changing room.  We would even do a montage, playfully showing each other some ridiculous get ups before revealing the one outfit that makes us shine above all other Mother /Son duo’s. We would sit outside a trendy cafe together sipping our double decaf ,triple shot  soy chai lattes and scour the paper to see what’s on at the theater.  Strutt into a bar for a pre- theater Mojito whilst judging the attire of those around us. Me with my clutch purse. Him with his man Clutch.  Oh how  I would be the envy of all my friends who have only bred heterosexuals. . Yes folks, I would walk with my  head held high if one of my boys were to discover he was a fan of men. Because Menfolk are fantastic!!! And so are my boys!! No matter WHO they love.

So, to the small-minded man at that supermarket, if I had to choose between a strictly heterosexual world whilst being wrapped in the arms of Joshua Homme (amongst other things) or a world with a good few Clutch Purse carrying,  Doll playing ,gay people….I’m sorry to say…..Josh, you  big gingerlicious rockstar ,………… I’m dipping you in honey and throwing you to the Gays.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRQXQxadyps