MAMA TOOTS

I have a confession to make. Me and Motherhood are not friends. Not even remotely. When we are forced to work together, we put our boots on, pull up our sleeves and do what has to be done. We get through our day together and  then, when the boys are all tucked up safe in bed, Motherhood sits on my couch ,arms folded, refusing to make eye contact with me whilst I do everything I can to ignore her presence in the short time I have before I go to bed.

You see….as much as I love my boys with every living, breathing  part of my body, I have NO patience or tolerance for anything annoying. Ever. Especially not  anything that really tests my patience and tolerance. And I gotta say….children can really do that. Especially mine. Who woulda thunk it. Now don’t get me wrong. Having children has been by FAR the best decision I’ve ever made… blah blah blah ,yadda yadda yadda and all that . But all that aside…this parenting yolk is hard…and to be honest there are a lot of days that I H.A.T.E  Motherhood.

As Murphy’s law would have it, just  to throw a cat amongst the pigeons, Tahi has Sensory Processing Disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_disorder).  We are also in the process of looking into a diagnosis of ADD and perhaps Asperges (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome). Long story short…Tahi is a funny, intelligent, LOUD, fidgety, loving, socially inept , high maintenance,  controlling ,David Bowie loving, drama queen, whom I love with all my heart.

I am not by ANY stretch of the means a PC Mum. I don’t get down to their level and say things like ” I can see you’re feeling really frustrated right now. It must be really tough for you. What do you think we can do to help you calm down? Shall we have a family meeting under the Totora tree and say something nice about each other whilst we cleanse each others Chakras?”.   I’m more  the ” I’m not interested in this nonsense at all. You can go and sit on the corner until you’re done. Then  if you’re still not over it, you’re in your room until Keith Richards sobers up.” If Rua comes to me saying ” Taaahiiii hit me” I have been known to respond with ” Rua, I don’t wanna hear it…you’re almost as big as him.  So next time…just punch him back. Hard”  ” But Muuuuuuummmmm. He’ll hit me back!”  to which I might respond..” well do it once and do it well. May I suggest his face!”. I am all about letting the boys sort out the Alpha Male role between themselves, if it can be done within reason. Encouraging them to punch each other in the face is NOT within reason. I am VERY aware of this.  I am not proud of this. But get me on a bad day…… Just an example of my naff parenting tips.

I am on the Board Of Trustees for my boys Pre-School ( how I got there….I don’t even know. They invited me and I thought..why not?!. Gets me out of the house one night a month. I am expecting any minute they will realise that I am NOT in fact a rampant soccer Mum and fire me from my position of scone making and the occasional  input at monthly meetings). So you can imagine my feeling of shame at having to apologise to them  in advance  one day for fear that my 2-year-old might tell them to “clean up that fucking mess”.  Goodness knows where he heard that from  .** looks  sheepishly at ground and scuffs shoes repeatedly on the fucking messy floor **

They make sooo much NOISE. Especially Tahi. Oh my god the noise! I have at times even wished I was deaf. That maybe if I was deaf, I might find it all a bit easier. True story. Noise is a real stress trigger for me. I did not know this about myself till I had boys. One of my most commonly used parenting phrases is “My ears need space!!”.(Probably one of my more PC ones too) . I pity the neighbours. They must at times pain themselves trying to work out if they are hearing yet  another family row/discussion or if we are just thrashing a Slipknot CD.

I am the Mum that shrinks away from school fundraising bake stalls. I never offer to be Parent help in the classroom.I fear that at any second the other parents and teachers will see right through my attempt at appearing to be a rampant happy to be  super-involved Mum and see the exasperated, exhausted mother who constantly dreams of solo, never-ending beach holidays in Jamaica. Then what ? Would  they stop inviting my boys to their children’s birthday parties in fear that I might try to lure their children into my gingerbread house to fatten them up for my famous little children soup?  I mean…what kind of mother does not want to be involved in 1295 activities with their children?

Obviously it’s not that I don’t love my boys. My boys are awesome and I would do ANYTHING for them. It’s just that I really don’t like Motherhood. She really is a thorn in my side. A judgemental hard to please old bat with faaar too many expectations of me and no understanding what an emotionally retarded commitmentphobe I am .I didn’t even know how bad it was until I had 3 kids and a divorce.  I might get Rua to punch her in the face whilst he is on his next punching spree.

I share this with you knowing that many who know me will be surprised by this. Those that know me well, know too well the turbulent relationship I have with Motherhood. Those that don’t know me at all may think I’m a heartless child hater and get straight on the phone to CYPS.  I share this because when I started blogging I wanted to be able to be honest. My boys are my life, there is no doubt that much of what I have to say here will involve the trials and tribulations of my non friendship with Motherhood. I have always felt such a massive sense of relief when someone says something out loud that I have thought and have always been too scared to say myself. It creates a space for dialogue. For understanding and  potential forward movement. Space for forgiveness. I have not come across many parents who will say they don’t like parenthood. I have once or twice. There has always been sense of shame that has come with it. I don’t want to feel ashamed. I just want to learn to love Motherhood and if I can’t love her…I’ll just learn to make that bitch work for me. God knows I can’t divorce her.  Blogging is an interactive experience.So I’m gonna be the guy that gonna tell it like it is and hope that with a bit of sharing and some healthy dialogue…. over time ……I might GET IT. That I might embrace her into the bosom of my soul and dance joyously over the hills of Austria with my new best friend “Motherhood”. Fingers crossed.

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4 thoughts on “MAMA TOOTS

  1. Aaaaand this is why your giant magnet to me, so freaking refreshingly honest I have tears of relief to find another person who sees motherhood thru such similar eyes, I knew this BEFORE I got pregnant and when I found out I was all I was hoping was that some miracle magical thing might over come me and I would turn into Mia bloody Farrow but no….and this is why I adore this particular blog, it reminds me it’s ok, I do still love my child but it’s ok to say out loud sometimes that she is hard to like. If more people we’re honest about how parenthood really affected them then there would be less people like myself worried sick that they are missing that maternal chip. Bless you lady, bless you! xxx

    • Thank you so much. This exactly why I did this. It has taken me years to own this.But for me holding it in can be quite damaging. My self talk can be very scathing.Recently very bad. I hope that by being honest and exposing my achilles heel…some good stuff might come of it. And it seems it just has. High 5 lady xx

  2. Hey T, just read your latest blog. i hear ya and i know ya know i feel heaps of this stuff too. you express things so well. bless your honest, loving heart. just made me smile lots. xoxoxo

    • Yeah. I thought of you whilst writing this. One day…we’ll sit back watching our Grand-Babies eat dirt in our garden and laugh at our Sons as their chidlren behave disgracefully. Ya know……I said that to my boys for the 1st time just 2 mornings ago. ” Man, I hope your kids are JUST like you”. Thanks for sharing . Arohanui xx

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